Horoscopes 2/4-2/10

"The Three Graces" by Claude Mellan

Like all young women, the day may soon come where you choose to join a coven. And, like many young witches, the day will eventually come where you are summarily asked to take your leave of said coven. “What could I have possibly done to deserve this?” we hear you cry. Well, let’s run down the list:

Aquarius symbol


You use your magic to help people. The coven hates helping people.

Pisces symbol


You seemed awfully committed to learning magic when you added your name to the coven’s mailing list, but you’ve only attended a Witches’ Sabbath once or twice since. Frankly? It’s insulting. Go join a vampire colony if you hate showing your face so much.

Aries symbol


While the coven would never shame a member for masochistic tendencies, a habit of wandering from town to town, begging to be burnt at the stake, does change things a bit.

Taurus symbol


You conjure yourself an enormous, golden palace, which draws quite a bit more attention than covens typically desire.

Gemini symbol



You magicked up a copy of yourself so that you’d always have a friend around. Unfortunately, everybody in the coven likes the clone better.

Cancer symbol


You spend all of your energy learning to conjure extravagant feasts, serving duck and potatoes and red wine. It’s actually incredible for a while, right up until the whole coven gets gout.

Leo symbol



You’re constantly challenging everyone to magic duels, which would be frustrating if you ever actually won. Instead, you lose in a horribly embarrassing manner every time. Worst of all, it’s incredibly depressing to watch, and it brings everybody down.

Virgo symbol


You refuse to use magic to take care of anything you could do by hand, and it makes everyone else feel bad.

Libra symbol


You spend far too much of your time attempting to develop cruelty-free newt’s eyes for your potions, without ever considering that it’s the cruelty which makes them so devastatingly effective.

Scorpio symbol


While the coven loves that you’re bringing people back from the dead, some of the folks you choose are questionable at best. Nobody was really dying to hear James Garfield’s thoughts on Maroon 5’s evolution as a band. Well, except for you, we suppose.

Sagittarius symbol


Despite frequent reminders about the relevant witch-laws and witch-statutes, you continue to fly your broomstick across state lines.

Capricorn symbol



Frankly, you become far too powerful. You unlock answers to mysteries that most other witches don’t even know exist. Your power is far-reaching, insidious, and, confusingly, used primarily to trip people leaving your local Taco Bell.