Listen: we all know why you’re here. There’s only one reason to want to know the future, and that’s finding out how you die. So for our first week’s horoscopes here at 24hr Neon Mag, we’re going to give you exactly what you want. Some of these might seem too oddly specific to apply to an entire sign, but you have my personal assurance that each and every one of these will come true. I’m so sorry.
You and your friends finally find the most bodacious way to spend your summer vacation: playing with downed power lines! Unfortunately, one jolt separates your soul from your body. In this sense, you could be said to have never died, as your spirit will wander the material world for the rest of time. On the other hand, in a much more real sense, you’re very deceased.
You die once, briefly, in an ambulance after a bicycle accident, before being revived. It never happens again.
Your first day at your new job running into traffic goes more or less as expected. At least your family gets the severance.
You make a futile attempt to prove arsenic isn’t nearly as dangerous as we’d thought.
You discover a precious gem deep in the forest. As soon as you pick it up, it transports you to another realm, one in which there is no sadness, suffering, or even malaise. The sunsets last forever and the rain tastes like candy. Of course, to your companions on Earth, you’ll appear to have spontaneously combusted. But you’re beyond that now.
You look in the mirror one day, only to discover that you were the reflection all along. Your entire life has been a lie, controlled by a being you cannot hope to reach. Surrounded by the shattered pieces of a once-happy domestic life, you realize that, for you, freedom lies only in death. Unfortunately, it takes thirty more years for the Real You to have a heart attack and kick it.
At last, it’s the day you dreamed of: your wedding! You and your fiancé have spared no expense. The ceremony goes off without a hitch, and the guests are overjoyed for you and your beau. Once you toss your bouquet at the reception, though, it never falls. It only keeps floating upward, through the ceiling, and out into space. You’re tried as a witch and burned at the stake later that afternoon.
You’ve been shipwrecked on a desert island for days, and supplies are running low. Without reliable sources of freshwater or food, you’ll soon perish. Fortunately, you see a ship in the distance, and are prepared to send smoke signals in Morse Code. “HELLO,” you begin. “I HOPE THIS MESSAGE FINDS YOU WELL. UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE FOUND MYSELF—” It’s at this point you realize that the ship will not stop.
You nobly die in a show of solidarity with the millions of others who didn’t have a choice.
After racking up a considerable debt with local mobster Joey Bucciarelli, you attempt to fake your own death, which goes far too well.
You travel back in time, hoping to win big in sports betting. On your way to your local bookie, however, you step on a lizard, crushing it beneath your boot. Only as you slowly and painfully disappear from existence do you recognize it as your father.
You make a deal with the devil, trading your eternal soul and several extremely valuable baseball cards for an unusually extended natural lifespan. Unfortunately, moments later, you accidentally swallow glass.