Horoscopes 6/24 - 7/7

 
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Well, it's another bright Sunday morning, and another opportunity for you and your dear, mischievous dove, Nathaniel, to seize the day! What good fortune, misadventures, or horrors shall befall you two today? Well, there's only one way to find out:

 
 
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Cancer

As a firefighter, you devote the day to rolling up your sleeves and putting out some major wildfires. As someone who understands the natural life-cycle of the forest, Nathaniel devotes his day to starting them.

 
 
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Leo

 

During your weekly book club meeting this evening, it emerges that Nathaniel has formed a splinter group, demanding the club switch focus to reading nothing but 120 Days of Sodom over and over again.

 
 
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Virgo

You've spent months meticulously planning the 4th of July fireworks display your village will put on tonight. Unfortunately, due to a metric conversion error Nathaniel made while ordering custom peony rockets from Austria, 12,000 people are dead.

 
 
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Libra

You spend your afternoon trying to hear out both sides of an argument your friends are in, but it’s tough to decide who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong here. Fortunately, Nathaniel has an idea for how to settle this! Unfortunately, it’s a knife fight.

 
 
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Scorpio

After a few months of being single, you’re ready to put yourself back out there again. You and Nathaniel decide to try speed dating, but are quickly asked to leave when it’s clear he only came to beg women for seeds and pontificate at them about 120 Days of Sodom. He really, really loves that book.

 
 
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Sagittarius

You and Nathaniel decide to spend your day exploring an old haunted house on the outskirts of town. Unfortunately for you, it looks like somebody decided to put on a rubber mask and act like the place is haunted! Even worse, Nathaniel decided to conceal carry today, and he’s got an itchy trigger finger. Now you’ve got to get rid of this body, and on top of that he’s swearing he’ll cut your throat if you ever whisper a word of this to the police! Boy, what’ll that guy think of next?

 
 
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Capricorn

You try to take your son’s Cub Scout Troop on a nice hike in the mountains, only to find that Nathaniel replaced your compass with a hockey puck as a prank! It’s very funny to everyone until dusk falls, and you realize you’re still lost. You chastise Nathaniel for his cruel suggestions, insisting you could never sacrifice a Cub Scout for food. And yet your stomach won’t fill itself.

 
 
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aquarius

Today you find that, despite your attempts to introduce him to the world of modern science, Nathaniel still stubbornly insists on the virtues of phrenology.

 
 
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Pisces

 

Tonight’s your first time having friends over to your new apartment, and wouldn’t you know it? Nathaniel’s trying to peck their eyes out, the rascal! Anyway, you’re going to have to pay a lot of hush money yet again.

 
 
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Aries

Down at the racetrack, you're disappointed to have to remind Nathaniel once again that he shouldn't be sneaking ketamine to either the horses or the jockeys.

 
 
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Taurus

You hoped to spend your evening drinking some nice wine, painting a sunset, and relaxing. Instead, you’re forced to repeatedly explain to a livid paint-and-sip instructor that Nathaniel didn’t realize how shocking his painting would be to everyone else, and that he’d assumed everyone else would be using 120 Days of Sodom as inspiration, too.

 
 
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Gemini

You thought you and Nathaniel were like brothers, until arrive home this afternoon to find him in bed with your wife. And you’ll never guess what they’re reading.

Angels & Demons, by Dan Brown.