Horoscopes 6/10 - 6/23
We all have things in our past we hope everyone has forgotten—vast, public humiliations that mark a turning point in our lives. Unfortunately, they can’t stay secret forever, which is why we’ve gone ahead and just listed them for all to see below (I know, I know, we did this already, but in my defense: shut the fuck up):
You thought you found a kindred spirit at the gym. There you two were, peas in a pod, slowly becoming best friends. It was everything you’d always dreamed of. And now, all of a sudden, the police are throwing around words like “stalker” and “danger to society?” Jeez, you’d think these people had never seen anyone skin their BFF before!
You discovered a malnourished child in the woods, and decided to nurse him back to health. Unfortunately, he turned out to be a juvenile Bigfoot, and now everybody’s calling you “Mama ‘Squatch.” Despicable.
After two years of hard work, you were finally cast as the lead of your high school’s spring musical! Unfortunately, the second you enter (stage right), you forget every single one of your lines. Instead, you’d claim in the weeks to follow, you cleverly covered for your memory lapse by projectile vomiting all over the stage. Your friends assure you it seemed very on purpose, but you can see in their eyes that they know the truth.
You tried to help an old lady cross the road, but she trips about two steps into your brief journey. Worse yet, you don’t notice until you’ve dragged the poor, sobbing woman all the way across. And still worst of all, some local teens caught it on camera and now? You’re cancelled for life, you friggin’ dingo.
Your career as a judge still hasn’t recovered from the time you accidentally sentenced a man to death during a custody hearing.
You used to be less hot.
As an explorer, you declared you had discovered a civilization untouched by the outside world, sending telegrams to every major paper in the world. Turned out it was just Italy.
You achieved your life’s goal: you summited Mount Everest. Unfortunately, you were so tired from the effort that you accidentally soiled yourself just as you reached the peak. It’s obvious in all the photos, and now you can’t even brag about having climbed the damn thing. What the hell.
You tried to build an artificially intelligent dick-sucking robot, but it turned out to be a lesbian.
At your first show as a new magician, you accidentally make the audience disappear. Twenty years later, the police are still looking for them. Everyone who hears your name recoils in disgust, especially now that somebody’s doing a podcast about it, and Ryan Murphy’s directing a fictional retelling on FX. At least you’re being played by Sarah Paulson?
When you lost your 5th grade spelling bee on the first word, you refused to admit you were wrong. In fact, you argued with the judges, insisting they were the ones who were wrong, and that the trophy belongs to you. In your defense, you still insist, if it wasn’t spelled “korn,” the band would have called themselves something else!
You tried to go out, get an honest job, and provide for your family, and now the bank is telling you that the money you were paid with is from some “boared game” called “Mannapaly?”