Horoscopes 5/27-6/9


We all smell, in that the majority of people both give off an odor and have the ability to detect one. There’s not much else to say here except that we’re going to tell you how you smell. We’re going to tell you how you smell, and you’re going to like it:

Gemini symbol



All you smell like is just plain trouble.

Cancer symbol


You smell like friendship, in just the absolute corniest way.

Leo symbol



You bear the odor of pride, which is very similar to the odor of someone who refuses to admit they smell like old fish and need to shower. Very, very similar.

Virgo symbol


You carry with you the fragrance of a vague sense of accomplishment, and it’s just the worst. Nobody likes it. And yet? They begrudgingly respect it.

Libra symbol


You somehow manage to smell like absolutely nothing at all. You freak.

Scorpio symbol


You reek of dirty laundry, which makes sense. Your closet’s full of it, both figuratively and literally (seriously, clean your room).

Sagittarius symbol


You smell like adventure. To be clear, we mean less of an Indiana Jones type of adventure, and more of an A Dog’s Journey kind. It still might be fun! But a lot of dogs will die.

Capricorn symbol


Wherever you go, you bring the stench of sweat. The kind of sweat that you smell like when you’ve been working hard, but have been too busy out there doing good to actually stop and take a shower. To be clear, though, you absolutely need to. It’s rancid.

Aquarius symbol


You’re constantly surrounded by the aroma of starfruit mixed with cotton candy, and nobody’s quite sure why.

Pisces symbol



You constantly reek of the incense from your meditation chamber, which you’ve been asked to stop burning in there about eight times. We live in this apartment, too, dude.

Aries symbol


You smell like the hell you had to drag yourself through to get where you are today. So sulfur, mostly.

Taurus symbol


You’re surrounded by the aroma of fine wine, though that may just be because you’ve spilled it on yourself.