Horoscopes 5/13-5/19


We’re all wrong sometimes. It’s a part of being human, but that doesn’t necessarily make it easy to admit. Everyone, on occasion, can really dig their heels in and double down on their terrible, stupid thoughts. This week, we’re taking a look at what each sign refuses to admit they’re wrong about:

Taurus symbol


Yes, your grandmother’s will was extremely specific about who would get the old family photo albums, but your brother would have never taken care of them like you could! In fact, you made that extremely clear to her when she wrote the will, which makes it all the more confusing that she expressly wrote that you can’t touch them. I mean, he has a job! He’ll have to leave them alone eventually! He can’t stay home and watch them, unceasingly, through the hours, days, weeks, never resting your eyes. He can’t love them like you do!

Gemini symbol



Listen: it’s called science, and you’re an expert at it. It’s your job to find new experiments and ideas to test, so lay off the criticism. What, were you just supposed to, like, instinctively know that we already figured out what happens when you run 40,000 volts through an iguana? Should you have intuited that it would explode? Who’s really to say your son’s pet was a poor choice for a subject?

Cancer symbol


What is happening? Has everyone lost their minds? You sensed an imminent danger, and you removed it. That’s what a good parent does. The child was running, scissors in hand, at your daughter’s birthday party, and you tackled him. It was pure instinct. Threat: eliminated. And now everyone wants you removed as head of the Scarsdale PTA? Yes, you knocked him over so hard he vomited, and sure, maybe it was less of a run and more of a light jog. A brisk walk. He was calmly strolling, fine, but you’d do it again!

Leo symbol



It’s not important that your character didn’t have any lines. What matters is that you found lines for them, and, honestly, you fucking killed the delivery. The director should be thanking you. You truly saved opening night.

Virgo symbol


Actually, lining your living room walls with shelf upon shelf of immaculate, child-sized, porcelain dolls makes people feel very welcomed, and it’s bigoted to suggest otherwise!

Libra symbol


Look, you were trapped on a deserted island, with no idea when rescue would come. You were obviously going to run out of food very soon, so the only fair thing to do was draw straws to see who you’d eat first. Everyone agrees on that! But all of the sudden, just because you don’t want to eat a can of corn so you start in the cannibalism a teensy bit early, everyone’s coming for your head! Everyone else can eat their corn but you can’t have something you enjoy? Is that really fair? Besides, how were you to know a ship would pass by about two hours after you wash up on shore?

Scorpio symbol


The knife game is actually a great activity for a first date, thank you very much!

Sagittarius symbol


“Telling it like it is” actually is an extremely marketable skill. And frankly? The lady doing the job interview was far too sensitive. If you don’t tell her that her blouse is the color of puke, and also her face looks like puke, and also that she smells like puke, who will?

Capricorn symbol


It does not matter how many times you fall and absolutely shatter the majority of the bones in your body! Climbing Mt. Everest without using your hands is a dream, and you’re going to make it happen!

Aquarius symbol


It’s intentional that your prototype android bodyguard valued the lives of animals over people! That dog was worth more than that baby, and you damn well know it!

Pisces symbol



Abandoning them at three and five years old gave your children a lot of character, and it’s honestly fucked up that they aren’t thanking you right now.

Aries symbol


You actually weren’t wrong when you insisted we take Exit 8A instead of waiting until Exit 9. It’s called a scenic route, and it’s good, actually, that it’s going to add an hour to our trip. Think of how much more time for bonding we’ll have on the way to the funeral. No, they’ll definitely wait on us to start the service. You’re giving the eulogy, after all. This is the best way to go. Absolutely.