Horoscopes 4/1-4/7

 
"Self-Portrait" by Egon Schiele
 
 

Christ. Okay. Yeah, it’s teeth week. That’s this week’s theme here at 24hr Neon Mag: teeth. Jesus. How do you even write horoscopes about that? God. This is bullshit.

 
 
 
 
Aries symbol
 
 

Aries

Okay. Okay, I’ve got this. Aries are headstrong, right? You find one morning that your teeth are indestructible. That’s a start. And you also, like, get paid to do teeth stuff now? Like chewing down trees, or cutting steel. No, you’re doing charity! You decide to eat a train to raise money for charity! Okay, just need an unfortunate, ironic twist. People were mad once they found out you meant a model train? Because your teeth are stronger, but your stomach is still the same size. Or something. Okay, yeah, that’s fine. Not the worst. Just need eleven more.

 
 
Taurus symbol
 
 

Taurus

Okay, Taurus. Taurus, Taurus, Taurus. You guys are builders. You build a throne of teeth, meant to terrify your enemies. Unfortunately, all it does—no, all it ends up doing, is blocking the traffic in your cul-de-sac. Alright. Now we’re cooking with gas.

 
 
Gemini symbol
 

Gemini

 

Ah, shit. Gemini? You now have two teeth instead of forty. I don’t fucking know.

 
 
Cancer symbol
 
 

Cancer

Your teeth are fine and never get bad. Okay, no, that’s not your real horoscope. But I ask that you trust in me, and believe that what the stars told of your teeth’s future is too horrible for me to transcribe.

 
 
Leo symbol
 

Leo

 

Ah, the powerful lion. You discover one day that your teeth are perfectly suited for raw flesh, and your palate is not far behind. What, does that not fit Leo quite enough? I don’t care. You try basing some last-minute horoscopes off the word “teeth” and tell me what Leo prediction you come up with, asshole.

 
 
Virgo symbol
 
 

Virgo

You wake up one morning to find that your teeth have coalesced into two rows of solid calcium. All forty of ‘em. There. Are you happy?

 
 
Libra symbol
 
 

Libra

You suddenly find that your teeth are perfectly balanced. Symmetrical beyond your wildest dreams. Unfortunately, you also accidentally discover that when you knock one out, the tooth opposite it soon falls from your gums. You keep experimenting, until you have none left. Something like that. Okay? Is that enough? Please?

 
 
Scorpio symbol
 
 

Scorpio

Scorpio? Your teeth fuck. Next.

 
 
Sagittarius symbol
 
 

Sagittarius

Nerd teeth. NEXT!

 
 
Capricorn symbol
 
 

Capricorn

Alright. Capricorns are determined, so you find one morning that your teeth are indestructible. You decide to eat a train to raise money for charity! Now—what’s that? Look, I don’t care what I put for Aries up above. Capricorns get this one now. Arieses, your new horoscope is: Watch it.

 
 
Aquarius symbol
 
 

aquarius

Innovative, right? That’s an Aquarius thing? You innovate your teeth. They’re avant garde now. You got a cubist mouth or some bullshit. Who cares.

 
 
Pisces symbol
 

Pisces

 

Here we go! Last one: Pisces. You guys are overwhelmed by crowds, right? Well, don’t look in your own mouth, pal! Because you’ve got a crowd of teeth. Like, forty of them.