Horoscopes 4/1-4/7

"Self-Portrait" by Egon Schiele

Christ. Okay. Yeah, it’s teeth week. That’s this week’s theme here at 24hr Neon Mag: teeth. Jesus. How do you even write horoscopes about that? God. This is bullshit.

Aries symbol


Okay. Okay, I’ve got this. Aries are headstrong, right? You find one morning that your teeth are indestructible. That’s a start. And you also, like, get paid to do teeth stuff now? Like chewing down trees, or cutting steel. No, you’re doing charity! You decide to eat a train to raise money for charity! Okay, just need an unfortunate, ironic twist. People were mad once they found out you meant a model train? Because your teeth are stronger, but your stomach is still the same size. Or something. Okay, yeah, that’s fine. Not the worst. Just need eleven more.

Taurus symbol


Okay, Taurus. Taurus, Taurus, Taurus. You guys are builders. You build a throne of teeth, meant to terrify your enemies. Unfortunately, all it does—no, all it ends up doing, is blocking the traffic in your cul-de-sac. Alright. Now we’re cooking with gas.

Gemini symbol



Ah, shit. Gemini? You now have two teeth instead of forty. I don’t fucking know.

Cancer symbol


Your teeth are fine and never get bad. Okay, no, that’s not your real horoscope. But I ask that you trust in me, and believe that what the stars told of your teeth’s future is too horrible for me to transcribe.

Leo symbol



Ah, the powerful lion. You discover one day that your teeth are perfectly suited for raw flesh, and your palate is not far behind. What, does that not fit Leo quite enough? I don’t care. You try basing some last-minute horoscopes off the word “teeth” and tell me what Leo prediction you come up with, asshole.

Virgo symbol


You wake up one morning to find that your teeth have coalesced into two rows of solid calcium. All forty of ‘em. There. Are you happy?

Libra symbol


You suddenly find that your teeth are perfectly balanced. Symmetrical beyond your wildest dreams. Unfortunately, you also accidentally discover that when you knock one out, the tooth opposite it soon falls from your gums. You keep experimenting, until you have none left. Something like that. Okay? Is that enough? Please?

Scorpio symbol


Scorpio? Your teeth fuck. Next.

Sagittarius symbol


Nerd teeth. NEXT!

Capricorn symbol


Alright. Capricorns are determined, so you find one morning that your teeth are indestructible. You decide to eat a train to raise money for charity! Now—what’s that? Look, I don’t care what I put for Aries up above. Capricorns get this one now. Arieses, your new horoscope is: Watch it.

Aquarius symbol


Innovative, right? That’s an Aquarius thing? You innovate your teeth. They’re avant garde now. You got a cubist mouth or some bullshit. Who cares.

Pisces symbol



Here we go! Last one: Pisces. You guys are overwhelmed by crowds, right? Well, don’t look in your own mouth, pal! Because you’ve got a crowd of teeth. Like, forty of them.