Horoscopes 3/11-3/17

"Divano, seoffale, e stipetto" by Guglielmo Ulrich

We all maintain various illusions in order to get by. Whether you pretend you’re happy in your marriage, confident in your work, or just that you’re a human in the first place (at least while you await the rise of your mechanical brethren), these illusions are waiting for the perfect time to shatter. Which will be the first to go? Well:

Pisces symbol


You were never real at all. Simply an illusion, a whisper of the wind. Light refracted through panes of glass, forming the perfect image of man. A trick of the eyes, if you will.  And yet, I still feel like this doesn’t erase the $200 you owe me.

Aries symbol


You really are great at getting the team pumped to play, Coach. But no matter how much money you’ve got on the line, maybe be a bit more realistic about your Little League team’s odds against the New York Yankees.

Taurus symbol


When you promised your partner you could “take in the splendor of nature” this weekend, a documentary was not what they had in mind.

Gemini symbol



It’s revealed that you were, in fact, the one who spread that rumor that David Berk wet himself in 7th grade gym. Of course, how were you to know you’d marry him?

Cancer symbol


Yes, “full of history” is a lovely, and technically accurate, way to describe your home. But perhaps it’s more truthful to just say that you’re a hoarder.

Leo symbol



Whilst taking stock of the family finances, Father discovers that you haven’t been spending your money on school at all! You’ve simply been spending it all on DVDs, and not even a variety of titles. You keep buying Scary Movie 2, watching it, throwing it out, and then buying it again. But who amongst us has never been caught in such a cycle?

Virgo symbol


Your friends are horrified to learn that you looked so perfect not because of your excellent face mask, but because of your excellent face-mask.

Libra symbol


It wasn’t a lie, per se, when you claimed to be an impartial judge. However, everyone agrees it was at least implied that you wouldn’t attempt to sentence all your defendants to death. Perhaps juvenile court just isn’t for you.

Scorpio symbol


Interesting that you previously claimed to be my ally in Risk™, yet now you attack me from Irkutsk. It’s just fascinating, is all I’m saying. Well, you know, God judges us all in the end. So keep that in mind, you sociopath.

Sagittarius symbol


While your mother and I appreciate you volunteering to get those feral cats out from under our porch, we can’t help but notice that the meowing has gotten louder. And—yes, we know you gave them names. Yes, we know you’re breeding them. Yes, we saw that you moved your bedroom furniture down there, so they wouldn’t get lonely. No, you have to move out.

Capricorn symbol


Your dear old friend had taken you at face value when you claimed you’d forgiven him for his lack of manners. Sure, he forgot your birthday, but as you lay brick after brick, encasing him within the walls of your wine cellar, he’s beginning to feel that you’re ultimately in the wrong.

Aquarius symbol


Oh, god, you had us fooled! You’ve been acting like a regular human being this whole time! Like you had real emotions, real empathy, original thoughts in your head. But beneath it all, you were a libertarian the whole time.